All Roads Lead to Self, Episode 1: What is it to be Self Conscious?
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Flaura: Good morning everyone, thanks for listening to “All Roads Lead to self.” This is Flaura. My partner, Julie.
J: Hey Flaura and to our listeners, welcome… You know what, I feel really distracted today.
F: So, something occurred to me while I was in the shower this morning, why didn’t you tell your professor how you disagreed with what he said in class yesterday instead of venting to me afterwards.
J: You know I get self conscious whenever I’m in class. It’s better for me to say nothing than embarrass myself and be completely wrong…
F: You know, Julie. You aren’t the first one to tell me that you feel a bit self-conscious in a classroom setting. You know that moment when the professor asks you if you have any question or comments, and then the room goes radio-silent? Well, we all apparently don’t want to draw attention and judgements to ourselves. But self-conscious? That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Here, I looked it up...
J: (reading from a piece of paper) being self conscious means being... “conscious of one's own acts or states as belonging to or originating in oneself : aware of oneself as an individual.” … pause… Wait, so what it’s saying is basically I know what I’m thinking…?
F: That really sums up what we’ll be talking about in this week’s episode.
J: When was the last time you felt self-conscious?
F: Hm, let me think. Well, this morning, as I was putting my makeup on, there was a brief moment, I looked into the mirror and just realized “this must be how other people see me” but I never really see myself! How weird is that. We are so used to seeing the world through our own eyes, I mean, both literally and metaphorically, but we never really get to just stop and get to know ourselves.(Explain how what “know ourselves” mean) I mean, how many times do we form impressions about other people from their appearance whether we like it or not? But we aren’t always aware of how other people see us unless we hear it from them.
J: And then, of course. There are moments that we are way too caught up on how other people might see us. “Might” see us. Like me in class yesterday. That was me being self-conscious in a non-productive way. I want to speak up, but I think about the worst-case scenario of me asking a question that everyone already knows the answers to, and then they will think that I’m not as smart as they are, and then the professor will think I wasn’t paying attention.
F: Yes. But all that is in your head. In reality, your classmates might be wondering about the same question and don’t want to be judged just like you are. They might all be secretly wishing someone with the same question might speak up for them. If I were in that classroom with you and you asked my question, I’d just be like ”oh thank god, now I know” and pretend like I never had that question in the first place.
J: Kind of reminds me of how the bystander effect works. We divert our own responsibilities on others in hope they’ll take action… Maybe this plays into the idea of all of us having insecurities keeping us from speaking up. Funny how the classroom is what comes to mind when we are talking about this. Do you think that fact that we are in a public setting contributes to how we feel about ourselves?
F: For sure. If it was just the two of us, I’m sure you’d speak your mind.
J: But I think what “public” in this context isn’t just that it literally is in a publicly accessible place, but also the fact that I don’t know everyone in that setting well. I can’t really predict what they will think about my actions. The uncertainty makes it hard not to be overly aware of the consequences of my actions. Better safe than sorry, right?
F: That’s in our instinct, really. Self-preservation?
J: Most definitely. I’d rather keep myself safe from judgement at times then to fully express my thoughts, at the risk of unknown reactions from others. Which really brings into question our confidence… don’t you think?
F: Oh yeah, I mean any little rejection from others can really affect my confidence. I won’t feel it at first, but if it comes to the same situation next time around, I often find myself hesitating to put out my opinion. You can never un-hear these doubts from others.
J: Once I hear someone’s doubt in my ability to choose or accomplish something, it’s like I can’t help but feel like they might be right even though my mind is telling me otherwise. When can we stop doubting ourselves?
F: If anything, take solace in the fact that no matter how experienced you are at this kind of stuff, at the end of the day, we all have to convince ourselves of our ability to accomplish things, whether it’s true or not. I don’t want to ignore the distinction between blind faith and confidence, but sometimes even false hope is better than none.
J: Yeah, I get what you are saying, it keeps us going. But first you have to be honest with yourself. If you can’t even tell what’s reality and what is hope, then I think you are crossing the line to being delusional (laugh)
F: I get that, I do. Okay, but what if some of that delusion is just a way of coping? The first thing comes to my mind is how I use my journal. So I keep this journal, and I’ve written something in it everyday since the eighth grade. And at the beginning, or really up until tenth grade, all I do is write down, or I should say, vent about things that made me angry or hurt, or things I was disappointed by, from myself and others. I remember one night, junior year of high school, I was bored, sitting in my dorm room with a bowl of chinese takeout, mood-light on the wall lit up and all. You get the idea. so I dug up my journal in an attempt to walk down memory lane, but then I just got really depressed because everything coming from that booklet was just negativity.
J: Ah, did you not like that? Your younger self venting haha, must be funny.
F: I must say some of it, when I read it, was just kind of ridiculous, that I actually got angry at the pettiest things.
J: Oh I’m sure there were good parts in eighth grade as well?
F: I’m sure. But I had the memory of a goldfish. I can recall snippets of happiness as a feeling. But actual events? All the details were in that journal. But not the good parts. That’s when I decided I was going to write down the good parts.
J: Wait, but how does this have anything to do with false hope?
F: Well, only writing down the good parts evolved into… well, how do I put this. I sometimes omit the truth. I will exaggerate the good parts a little too much. This better version of myself almost. I don’t know, does it count as lying?
J: In a way yes. We can lie to ourselves sometimes even better than to others. It's a way we can literally alter our self consciousness and make ourselves believe something we know isn't true. The proper term for this is called self deception.
F: Self deception, in its name, has a negative connotation. But in next week’s episode we are going to explore the benefits of that deception. Oh god, that sounds weird. But thanks guys for listening. See you next week!
J: Let us know what you think of your self- consciousness! Leave us a comment on our website! See you next week on All Roads Lead to self (together).